The dreamer

so I was reminded of this quote today :

"A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world. Oscar Wilde"

I figured out just a few days ago how much of a dreamer I truly am. I see so much of my future that I feel I don't focus enough on the present. So I've decided to try and live for the present, hard as it may be given my love for control. As for how this will apply to my future film career I think it will open up some pretty interesting possibilities but I intend to dream as much as I can on that side of things. My personal life however I feel will greatly benefit from it.

Anywayzz
Peace
M.

P.s. Hello Human!

Luckiest guy alive

So how long do you hold out for what you’re so sure would be great for you? See I guess forever would be a great answer there and what I thought I’d do but I just can’t anymore. I almost feel like I’m letting life fly by waiting for you to see what I already know. Maybe I was wrong.

I wrote this earlier :

o I sit here, watching whoever make a move on you and I can only watch as you either turn them down, politely push them off or even flirt with them.

So I guess to some extent it's jealously. But I think it’s more not being able to step in, not that I would. Just having the option and to be able to say when required 'step back motha fucker, u don't know me like that :-]

So it occurred to me that no matter what my feelings towards you are, this is probably an unhealthy exercise, at least for the present.

Next thought!

I’m making the most incredible friends here. Like seriously I feel I’ve met some people that will ALWAYS be a part of my life. I’ll name them for ya!

There is Candice, who most of you already know and love. A genuinely nice person. You might not like her the first time you meet her, probably because she’s not in the mood but as you get to know her more you’ll discover some depth and truthfulness that will amaze you. In case you didn’t get that she’s also moody as hell :oP but you’ll love her for it.

There is Marie, the absolute sweetest person you’ll ever meet. She’ll talk your ear off given the opportunity but I promise you’ll smile through the experience. You’ll also never understand why she’s always so happy, and infectiously so too.

There is Jenny, now this is somewhat a wild card cuz I’ve only known her like 3 months or less. However in our short time together, I’ve met the most trusting, open and totally spontaneous chick. Also I shared a historic night with her when Obama became the first negro to be elected president in America!!!! How fucking awesome is that? In the same night I really got to know her, we had some seriously profound conversations and I learnt a great deal about her and myself.

Those are real names by the way, you should all meet someday :o)

Also I’m way closer to my family in America, but seriously that’s a whole blog on its own. I guess in conclusion I’m one of the luckiest guys in the world. It doesn’t always feel that way but I’m happy and having the time of my life.

Peace and Love

MBN.

InCoherent

So, I’m beginning to realize how random life is. I mean, we make decisions to guide it towards the direction we want but it’s inherently incoherent. We’re faced with random events and moments that have the power to change the course of our lives without warning or even being aware of the fact. Like if my grandma bought me that guitar when I was 8 for Christmas would I be somewhere different now?

So I guess I’m just now learning to take things as they come knowing that some will hurt and some I’ll cherish for years. I still need to work on not over thinking things though, that might take a bit more time.

So I shoot my thesis in a few months and I’m ridiculously excited about it. Just auditioned about 12 little girls a few days ago and I’m really excited so far. Can’t wait to see it, especially if it turns out like I see it in my head.

Also met some pretty crazy cool people lately. I feel like I’ve been very sheltered since being in LA and need to spread my wings a little. That’s proved to be kina interesting, not quite life changing yet but seeing a different side of LA and enjoying it too.

Well… Peace!

M.

sweet

So the most random cool thing happened a few days ago. I call a friend/ex i haven't spoken to in ages. She picks up I say a few words and realized she doesn't have my number so I say "do u even know who this is?" she says with no hesitation " of course I do Mbeng, I used to love you remember?" I thought that was the sweetest thing.

Also gonna be launching the site for my thesis project soon. You'll all get the link/email in the next week or so.

Peace!
B

Random

So I’m starving like crazy, but can’t think of one thing I can get to eat that I really like around here. I could use a good greasy Kabab right now, u know they call it ‘Kebob’ over here…. Who wants that? They even make it look all posh and shit.

So that leads me to… I think I’m searching for something in my life which I have no real hope of finding but not the strength to simply be happy with what I already know.

So I’m not really happy right now, not depressed either just… longing I guess. Also I’m beginning to realize I’m real emotional and even sensitive. A lot more than I thought, I mean I always knew I was passionate about pretty much anything I put my mind to and I guess they’re connected but I learned that at least.

So I’m now working on my thesis script which I’m enjoying enormously. I can’t wait to shoot it. I’m doing a website for it right now so you can all donate some money towards the process. I’m slowly going broke too but that’s a whole other story and hopefully temporary. Anywayzz I’ll send you guys the script soon enough, good news on that is this random guy contacts me saying he heard about it and wants to help out. He’s been sending me suggestion and recommendations which have all been great; he turns out to be the cinematographer for the tv show Entourage. So you guys better dig deep I need to raise a cool $10,000 actually that’ only about 5K :o). I shoot in December.

That’s all for now folks! Hope you’re all well. Love and miss u wankers (lol apparently that's a spelling error... wankers!, maybe I should add it to my dictionary :o)

Peace

M

Be Inspirational

So I just watched what is actually an inspiring chick flick . It’s 1am and I just brewed a nice cuppa latte with soy milk :o) I bought me an espresso maker for my birthday. My mom got me a personal massager which seems pretty good, I guess she doesn’t see me getting a back rub from any chicks any time soon :o).

So anyway I was watching this movie ‘The Women’ where the protagonist (Meg Ryan) husband cheats on her and she goes through this personal exploration thingy. I don’t know why but somewhere in there something in me just turned on. I wrote this a few days ago:

“I feel I have the potential to be genuinely great at something but I just need an occasional kick in the ass to get me going.”

Strangely enough I got a kick up my ass like hours after writing that. The movie just showed me someone realizing their dream on their level. I don’t know why but it touched me. It’s that moment I dream off when I’m content with my career, when I decide to spend a lot less time at work and tons more at home. The dream is to be at a position where I can choose to do that.

So I thought that would take work, plus I think I have SO much to say as an artist that I better get off my ass. I make way too many excuses and I actually believe some of them.

Well I better go make my kids proud now.

P.s. I am absolutely touched by the amount of people that sent me a txt, call or email today. Ok I know facebook is responsible for a lot of the emails, but I was touched u guys still remember me. Plus just found out someone else had a crush on me in London, I’m such a fool I knew it too!!!!!

Love you all

B

A big equation

So it’s crazy over here. School is SOOO much fun, I‘m loving it to bits. Just about to start working on my thesis which I’m also really looking forward to.

Ok so I’ll cut the crap, I’m not really trying to write about school right now, I’m high and just in a very excited mood to be honest. So I broke up with this chick ‘Del’, I love her, think she’s one of the most amazing people I know and I must be really screwed up.

She was like… well me. She knew me before we really ever spoke and I knew her. We share this rare connection. Crazy thing is I could not go through with it. I just didn’t feel like I liked her in that way and I can’t even really explain why. So I was thinking about this and I decided to re-evaluate what kinds of chick I’m really into. And I came out with this :

a. She has to be intelligent. Not because I think I am, I just like people who are. They are usually interesting thereby have lots of interesting things to say. Therefore you have loads to talk about during those in-between moments. Who doesn’t like that?

b. Someone I feel I can trust. Usually the way people act around others gives you an idea of whether you could trust them. I guess this is obvious, if you don’t feel you could trust someone then you just could never be happy in that relationship.

c. Sweet. I’m talking like still a kid at heart, cute, welcoming. Someone who can make you smile by doing the most random of things at the least appropriate of times.

d. Complicated. I don’t know what it is, I guess I love to figure things out. I see defeat upon reading any manual. I like learning, I love unveiling, love exploring new things, emotions, experiences, moments that linger in your mind like markers of days that were. I mean I wanna know you but you just need to have depth.

e. Ambition. I feel like if I’m always gonna be striving for growth I need someone who well is kina the same. Otherwise, what if I feel like I can’t relate to her anymore I don’t know, weird one.

f. Attractive. Something about you needs to hit a spot. Whether it’s your smile, your butt, your boobs, or just something about your demeanor.

So I think those are the main things. There is no order to this list and it doesn’t cater for the randomness involved. For example : you could have A + B + C lack E and it might not work or have so much of F that my mind fills in the gap on the others. Or so much of C + E that I think hey why not.

Oh and of course this list is assuming that every chick in the world wants me and this is the filtering system I put them through to facilitate the process. No! Sometimes I’m also in a good place or bad place meet someone that has enough of C or B or even F that I fall for them.

So I’m really not sure what I’m writing about right now or at least what the point of this is but I hope you get it by now.

Oh and as for smiles… she said she likes me so hey!!! Back off!

Random coincidences

So there's just soooo much to say where do I start...

Got back from the east-coast about a week ago and all settled in now. It was seriously way too much fun. Met some very cool people made awesome friends and fell in love with Philadelphia I mean the place touched me. I so wanted to move not so sure now though. Had the best Philly cheese steak sandwich at what's suppose to be the most famous place Gino's I tell u, it was amazing.

Had some kinna major drama with elle and I guess I need to start taking myself out if that situation it's seriously on the counter productive side.

Oyin was over for a few days and just left today(by the way I wrote most of this blog a while ago just modifying it cuz so much time has passed). She is seriously the sweetest person I know, almost to a fault. It was tons of fun but I was majorly distracted by a new addition to the flavor of love mix. Some 'random' chick who I haven't met since I was 8 years old or so came into the picture full speed. My cousin kept telling about how similar I was to her and how I should call her.

Let just say we started talking to her 10 days ago and she's already booking her flight to LA next month, she lives in Minnesota (I didn't even know they had black folks there). So we're not in a relationship but I feel like added a 'yet' after relationship. I don't think I've ever gotten along so well with someone in so little time plus I had no clue what she really looked liked either and I swear if she looked like Grace Jones I would still have been cool or at least considered it. Thankfully she doesn't and is actually pretty cute also turns out our moms were really good friends back in the day. To be honest this whole thing's been a distraction lately and I've been on the phone till like 5am with class the next day but I guess I'm so not bored of it yet. So I guess we'll see hot that turns out.

I might actually put one of the piece I wrote and shot in school on the net for you guys soon. it's not gonna be that great but I feel like I need to actually start showing people my shit and getting some kinna criticism. So Tigs I know how you love to slate my sh!t so do your thing. It's actually a slightly unconventional (what's new there) piece that was actually written with 'Smiles' in mind. Oh and as for Smiles and her cute self, well she's still cute that's for sure but I don't really feel like I'll ever get a good enough grasp of who she is, and the bugs the hell outta me, esspecially being the guy sho over thinks things and needs to feel like he knows people. In a weird way that's also a part of the attraction which doesn't make much sense either. She actually has access to this blog now so I have to be kinna nice too :op. Also just now realized it's a good way to her without being held responsible for what I say (NICE!!).

Well I'm gonna go try and do something productive (yeah right!)

I miss u folks out there man!
Peace!
B

Chillin like a villan

So right now I'm re-perfecting the art of 'chillin'. It's almost 4pm, I'm still in my PJ's and just finished watching a re-run of BET '08 awards. My boy maxwell with his new look KILLED it, I mean hands down. I was in the basement by myself going nuts!!!

Ok, u'll probably don't know I'm in Delaware, a small state on the east coast probably only known for being the first state as their license plate so proudly boast. It's a quaint little place with a surprisingly varied race pool. Drove down here from NY 2days ago to visit some family. Gonna be heading to Maryland and Philadelphia for the rest of my 1 week summer break. Heading back to LA on Sunday.

By the way elle is talking to me again, I guess she just needed to some to cool off. LA is beginning to get a lot more interesting, I guess once u start figuring out the way of the land u start enjoying it more. Met a whole bunch of interesting folks over the last few weeks and also visited an old flame I had the serious hots for in NY. That was fun, I don't think I've ever been that high in my life. I didn't even know people mix weed and had different recipes and shit. Word of warning smoking 3 different kinds of green and drinking tons of jd and coke on an empty stomach after a 6 hour flight could leads to tons of fun. ok I did eat while drinking :-).

So I'm pretty sure G gets increasingly more attractive as time goes by. she seemed like one of those hot chicks in a hip hop video with tons of brains and 'mommy syndrome' she seriously acts like a mom in way good way though. I thought I was gonna get my hand smacked a few times. Also met her boy friend which was a lot less awkward than I anticipated probably because he didn't say up to 10 words to me despite my attempts.

So well I'm gonna go shower now before the home owners show up and start looking for the stench.

Peace peeps
B

So I was thinking...

Before I begin I must warn you I am under the influences of some natural substances, herbal remedies u may call them.

So it occurs to me, I must have some serious insecurities. It’s the only way I can explain why I’m often inexplicably nice to people, including some who don’t deserve it. I think it must be under some need to feel liked or maybe even needed. Must be some twisted version of ‘man syndrome’ a term made up by smiles which I think helps this situation. I’m trying to pinpoint the origin of this version of me and I can’t quite figure it out, if I’d always been this way or evolved into it. Not that there’s anything wrong with being nice but I think when u start doing it to your detriment then there’s something wrong. It’s actually possible to be too considerate or too accommodating. I’ll have to work on that.

By the way I’m off to New York on Saturday for a week. I’m not actually sure I should have booked the trip due to some new development. I’ll actually only be spending about 3 days in NY will be driving down to Delaware and Philly to see some family which I’m really looking forward to. The NY part of the trip was suppose to be cool too but I guess I’ve never really liked NY for a good reason. That one is kind of a long story.

By the way I’m still LOVING LA. Watched a very inspiring movie the other day at the LA Film festival that’s now a constant reminder of what you can do with sheer hard work and talent. I’m still not sure what exactly I wanna do after I leave film school though. It’s funny I’ve always pretty much had a plan for exactly what I wanted to do but just realized they’re so far ahead I hadn’t filled in the immediate future in any of them. Ideally I think I wanna do some music videos for a while to raise some money to do my documentary that I might have told some of you about. Otherwise the pay for flash developers seems to be going up so I might carry on doing that for a while to save some money but as off now I’m still not certain. But I can see myself in the middle of some tribe in Africa 60 miles from any tarred road trying to figure out how I’ll charge the camera after my last battery dies and being ecstatic about what I’m capturing.

By the way things seem to have ended with Elle. I refused to help her out when she asked for it the last time and she’s stopped talking to me I guess. Well her phone has been cut off and she hasn’t made any effort to call. I actually think it’s partly my fault. See I’m nice as I said before but I think when I really feel like given enough I’m able to be quite bluntly stop. I actually like her friendship it’s a shame she doesn’t feel like we can be friends if I’m not helping her out, guess that says a lot. I hope it all works out for her, she’s a better person than I initially gave her credit for. We had some genuinely good moments.

I met a few cool people last week too. One’s like a goofy version of tigs in some ways it’s hilarious. They look nothing alike though some similar character traits I could spot that cracked me up. No way a replacement for you though tigs! That would be impossible. Hung out with her and a guy I’m, convinced is gay who was also pretty darn funny and intelligent. Also met some chick from Cameroon I was supposed to have known as a child although neither of us remembers hanging out as children. She could actually end up being a pretty cool person to hang out with if she didn’t live like 90miles away. A little far to go for a ‘Soy Latte’ I don’t know what is it but I love a latte with soy milk it’s the shit no sugar or anything. U all have to try one, someone buy Vegas one too I can’t see that negro buying one :o)

I should probably head to bed, it’s almost 2am, I’ll probably end up on the phone calling London anyway. It’s weird I saw Nas and Dave Chapelle today in different places. I swear I got a little giddy when I saw Chapelle though, he was chatting with some hot chick so didn’t wanna getting in his face. Seriously dull evening though, was suppose to hang out with smiles but that got canceled. Watched 3 crappy movies instead ‘Welcome home ruscoe Jenkins’, ‘10,000 BC’ and ‘Oceans 13’ ok the last one wasn’t as bad but just felt a little too familiar.

That’s all for now folks

Peas & Love

B

Side Notes

The Dreamer

I dream of tomorrows far way
Of lieing on my patio with Nina Simone slowing streaming from the speakers.
The rare alone time I get, staring into the ocean with my mind as still as the waters.
The sky is are a warn shade of orange with slight remnants of blue.

I suddenly snap out of it with the pita patter of little feet pacing towards me.

I smile at the sheer perfection of it all.

I need time!

Ok so I'm not very good with this blogging thing as we've probably established but it should get much better now I have Internet on my phone, so I now have an excuse for bad grammer and spelling mistakes.

So it all pretty much the same over here, schools going along as usually learning quite a bit and loving every second. Gonna also stop freelancing for a while as it beginning to interfere with my school work and life in general. I'm just getting way too stressed at the moment.

As for the females of the gender I guess its good. I have a pretty weird relationship with Elle but for the most part I love her as a friend and we're getting along pretty well if I ignore certain character conflicts. Smiles... ok this could get too long so I won't bore u with details. We're pretty cool right now in a good place just trying to get a feel for how things r going.

Tigs has been counselling me on that, gotta put her words into action right now. Although not sure if I even wanna go there anymore!

Peas&love

Side Notes

Here

It's a thankless job. You bear your soul, pour your heart, give up your bed but u know you'll get nothing at least of substance in return.

It's possible to find comfort in depression. It's safe, you're at the button of the barrel, the floor is firm and comforting. Happiness at it's best is short lived and floats down aimlessly deflated with folly.

No I'll settle for right here, right now, both feet on the ground, butt, hands and head on the comforting earth. Safe in the knowledge that only the earth can now swallow my soul.

Ultimately I wait for a reason to float, excitedly, giddy with the sheer thought of knowing we have something and await which direction destiny will guide us.

Same sh*t different toilet

Hello again,

So we just had ‘spring break’ ok I hate the name I try and say half term whenever I can I get some weird looks like what’s he talking about. I pretty much worked the whole half term for a company I’ve been doing some freelancing for so not much fun there, although I’m actually enjoying the project being the nerd that I am. About to head to a production meeting for a school project we’ll be shooting sometimes next week or week after. It’s a weird script because we only have about 4-5 minutes to work with so it should be interesting to see how that comes out.

So I went on a date with ‘Smiles’, I guess it was the first one we categorized as a date even though we’d been out so many times before because I always thought she had a boyfriend which is what she told one of the guys in my class who asked her out before but it turns out she doesn’t. So I guess I’m beginning to see her as a more 3-dimentional character. I still think she’s pretty cool , I mean how often do you meet a chick you find attractive who you can share you passion with and will be equally enthused. At the very worst I made a good friend even though I probably bug the hell out of her.

As for ‘Elle’ we still hang out. I think I was a bit mean about her. She really isn’t that bad a person actually. We tend to just hand out like once a week and I’ve actually come to appreciate her company a lot more than I used to. I think she just look a little getting used to. As for the gold digger thing, A. there’s no gold to be dug here and B. I really don’t think she had any bad motives, if anything she’s always trying to get me to spend less and save some money. However I don’t think we really have that much in common but she talks so much it makes hanging out with her effortless.

I promise to start posting some pictures and some of my project on here, just need some time, I’m a lazy sod so be patient. Oh on that note I actually started gyming it on Friday. Everyone here is so health obsessed which I guess is a good thing I figure it’s time I better get into shape.

Oh yeah here is my holiday schedule for those of you that wanna make it here during one of them :

Jun 20 – Jul 6 I have summer break
Dec 21 – Jan 04 Winter break although I might be going to Cameroon for this my cousin is getting married (go NINA!) between that there’s lost of other American holidays that the school observes. But even if I’m in school I almost always get weekends and evenings free, so come on down!

Peace

B

Side Notes

Moments

I find sometimes the connection gets frail,
I'd rather not force what has happened so easily.
I look forward to those easy serendipitous moments.
That 1 on 1 how did we get here moments.

Glue

I wonder
It must be late evening
they must be all together
lounging, watching movies smoking
Oh no she gave up.
I do miss her,
her discomfort in personal situations.
the pleasure she takes from music
yet how

narrow her taste remains.
I wish we could all hang out again
just 1 night, watch block party
smoke and talk crap!

Delusional

So, here we are again.
I always have no idea
I see the path yet lost in thought
deluded by my idea of 'the reality'

Settling in

Ok, so we figured I'm not very good at this blogging thing. I do try and I have so much to say but no motivation, I think that's the wrong word but can't think of a better one right now.

School is awesome! I love it. It's intense as F*ck but I'm loving it. I wanna study everything I almost wish I could move into the place, I spent so much time there anyway. I think I've been involved in about 5 shoots now 3 of which were mine. Most of them have been under a minute but took hours to prep. I think I'll put them online sometime. It's amazing the thought and prep work that goes into a short film let along a feature film. It's been truly inspiring. Also met some really cool people. Some downright F'ing annoying to be honest but for the most part pretty decent folks.

So Elle, sorry I kinna left it half way last time, but I'm pretty much still uncertain. I'm not one to pry but she left a book called something along the line of 'How you keep Mr. right' pretty much on top of her bag in the bathroom. It would have just been funny if that was the end of the story but there were like 20 bookmarks in the book which was kinna scary. Now I'm not saying she made the bookmarks (I don't think she's that organised anyway) neither am I saying I am 'Mr Right' to her. I honestly don't think I am but it was still pretty scary.

Besides I'm not really that into Elle that much anymore. Kinna have a new interest. Been spending a lot of time with her recently and the only problem I can see with her is she's almost too good to be true! has her own money, cute as hell and very intelligent. Worst case scenarios I met a female I can not only truly get along with but have tons in common with. We'll call her 'smiles' for now. Lol, this is beginning to sound like flavor of love over here.

I don't think I miss London yet as much as I miss hanging out with my mates, it's weird. I think if everyone could come here for like a long weekend it'll be perfect.

So when I'm bored in a class (which does happen sometimes, usually between sound design 'which I actually enjoy now' and producing ' which Karen would probably enjoy') I jot little things on the side of my note pad, from movies to check out (we're always talking about movies as u can imagine) to doodle to little notes, we'll call them 'side notes' I'll post most of them, I don't really know what they are but they're usually pretty cryptic, I guess they're just kinna private things I feel the need to write to remind myself of what was going on. Will post 1 or 2 now!

Peace and Love!

We in Cali!

Hey People,

This is actually be my first ever blog. I probably would never have done it and missed out on a great opportunity to document this new experience if T (Tyrone) didn’t make it so easy for me to do it.

I’m pretty sure u all know I moved to Cali a few weeks ago and as of right now I’m LOVING it. Within 2 weeks of being here I bought a car, found (what I consider) a huge apartment in a pretty nice part of town called Toluca lake. Well it’s not Hackney but it’ll do for now, although I think I scare some of the neighbors. You see there seems to be a pretty low negro count around these parts of town. But they’re just gonna have to love me!

I’m now moved in, house is fully furnished, kitchen stocked even have ice cubes! This was all made possible by the one known as Barbara aka ‘superwoman’! My cousin and big sis who was sent down from heaven by Jesus himself with an energy level to make a Duracell blush and a sheer ‘get to it’ attitude that’s borderline annoying but gets sh*t done! We pretty much did everything in 1 week it’s insane!

Ok I don’t know if I’ll continue talking about the female drams here but for now I’m in discussions with one. I don’t really have a handle on her yet and there is a small (maybe not so small chance) that she could just be in this for what she can get (I have been spending cash like it was going outta fashion lately), maybe the young sista just wants a cut. I’ve known her for about 3months now and genuinely like the chick. Ok We’ll call her ‘Elle’. Brief description: Elle’s got some D’s on her (more like DD) and she knows how to work them. A pretty hot body but not much on the booty side (which as some of you may know, I hold some amount of expertise in the area of the human body). But she’s a pretty little thing and when cleaned up is a head turner. Ok I’ll have to stop here and consider if I want to go down that route in this blog! U can imagine the repercussions.

Well I’ll head out for now, oh yeah I also got a freelance gig the first week I arrived and it’s kept me WAY too busy got too much work to get to right now.

Peace!

M